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Learn problem solving skills: Show Reciprocity

Reciprocity

Learn the impact that showing reciprocity and gratitude may have on advisors and other stakeholders.

“For a long time, I took for granted the notion that my advisor was more than his work persona. Our relationship really changed for the better when I realized that he was a person with demands and challenges too, and he needed to hear that I valued his advising and mentorship.”

“It sounds so easy in retrospect, but I found I was able to manage my relationship with my committee and other administrators better when I went out of my way to connect with them as individuals also. Helping out in some way that was not expected, asking how their day was going, or even a simple ‘It’s great to see you,’ usually went a long way..”

The Importance of Gratitude

Building a strong and effective relationship with your advisor and your colleagues is a central component of your graduate school experience. An aspect of relationship-building is remembering to show appreciation and gratitude for the efforts of your advisor and other individuals who serve as stakeholders in your training.

Some researchers suggest that a relationship characterized by reciprocity and mutual respect is the ideal situation from which scholars grow and learn. In fact, expressions of gratitude can strengthen the advisor/advisee relationship, leading to increased trust, improved communication, and enhanced motivation and productivity (Howells, et al., 2017).

In this case, reciprocity implies that you, the student, must remember to also acknowledge the efforts of your advisor and other stakeholders. Consider how interactions with your advisor, particularly those surrounding feedback, can cause strong emotions; your advisor likely feels similarly. One situation that might elicit an emotional response in an advisor is advice rejection.

When advisees frequently decline to incorporate their advisor’s suggestions, even if for good reason, the advisor may experience disappointment and frustration. However, sincere expressions of gratitude can buffer these responses. Just like you, advisors and stakeholders are people first and professionals second. Simply put, everyone likes to receive words of encouragement and/or recognition for their efforts.

It’s a very useful skill to be able to consider situations from many points of view. By doing your best to understand the perspectives of others, you can keep in mind that even if the efforts by your advisor and other stakeholders are less than you hoped for, they are often doing the best they can under demanding circumstances. [See Consider Other Perspectives]

Some research suggests that showing gratitude and being appreciative enhances our own well-being and happiness (Belkin & Dejun, 2018; Howells et al., 2017). Following this logic, acknowledging the efforts of your mentors, lab group members, advisors and others involved with your training can not only reinforce their positive behavior but also help you feel better as well. Of course, this works best if the sentiment and your behavior in the situation are genuine.

When Gratitude Is Not Appropriate

Gratitude and mutual respect are important in your professional relationships. However, there are limits to consider as well. Expressions of appreciation or expectations of reciprocity are unwarranted or inappropriate in some circumstances. Some examples include:

Exploitation: Reciprocity in an advisory relationship should never include sexual favors. If you are experiencing “quid pro quo” sexual harassment or a perpetrator expects you to repay favors through sexual acts, you should report the situation. See the module on Sexual Harassment for more details.
Bias: If your advisor has made biased statements or microaggressions toward you, you should not be expected to express gratitude in this situation. See the Microaggressions module for further details.

Gratitude Practices

You may be wondering how to put reciprocity into action. Here are some ideas on how to express gratitude, with the rationale.

Practice	Rationale and results	Example
Quick gratitude email OR verbal expressions of gratitude in-person.	Gratitude practice does not have to be grandiose. It can be just a quick email or “thank you” in person. Research shows that even small positive activities, such as a quick thank you, can enhance happiness and well-being.	Dear Dr. Zhang, I hope this email finds you well. I want to thank you for completing the final section of the proposal. I appreciate the extra work that you put into the project, as well as your willingness to meet with me later to teach me the analyses. I am grateful for your help and will be more diligent with meeting deadlines moving forward. Best, Kristen Hi Dr. Lopez, Thanks so much for taking the time to meet with me today. Our conversation about career opportunities for women within our field was encouraging and motivated me to persist in this program. Would you be available for a follow-up meeting to review my application materials next week before I submit them? Best, Ashley Hi Dr. Johnson, Thanks so much for taking the time to write me a recommendation letter. I recognize it is a busy time in the semester and appreciate your willingness to help me. I will keep you updated with my application process! Best, Cindy
Gratitude letter	Perhaps your advisory relationship has been particularly helpful, and you want to make a bigger gesture to express your gratitude. Maybe you are graduating and want to express to your advisor the impact of their support on your academic and career development. Gratitude letters have been shown to enhance positive emotions, such as happiness and hope, for both the giver and receiver.	Here is an example of how to write a gratitude letter: https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/gratitude_letter
Gratitude journal	Gratitude extends beyond acts of kindness toward others. It may also be conceptualized as an emotion and a mindset. Taking some time each day to jot down the things you are grateful for can improve your overall well-being, which will spill over into your personal and professional relationships.	Here is more information on gratitude journaling: https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/gratitude_journal

Simply put, you should not express appreciation toward someone who has caused you harm.

What Do You Tell Yourself?

You may be saying to yourself things like, “But I am thankful, and it seems to go nowhere.” You may think that “mutual respect" applies equally to both sides in a relationship, and you may be quite right in wanting the other person to express respect for you more."

You may also be thinking “but their job is to help me.” There is certainly a level of truth to this statement. Given that advisors are considered experts in their field, they are expected to provide a level of support and guidance that cannot be reciprocated equally by an advisee.

These are all important sentiments that offer a great opportunity to return to the problem-solving model. Focus on learning to recognize what you can control and those things that are out of your control.

Remember that only your own behavior is within your control. No matter how much you would like others to behave differently, you can never make someone act in a particular manner.

However, by showing gratitude, respect and understanding to advisors and stakeholders, you are acting in a manner that may strengthen your relationships and elicit reciprocal behaviors from the other person.

REFLECTIONS: AM I AS RESPECTFUL AS I THINK I AM?

Below is a quiz we’ve entitled, “Oops, I Didn’t Realize I’ve Been Less Than Respectful.” Read each “oops” and write down the number of the actions that you do now or have done in the past.

For each action, think about ways it could be interpreted as less than respectful. Once you have thought about them, look at the table below for ideas for “A Better Approach.”

“Oops, I Didn’t Realize I’ve Been Less Than Respectful”	“A Better Approach” (What To Do Now)
I’ve dropped by someone’s office and engaged them in a conversation without regard for what they may be currently working on.	Request a meeting by email beforehand. If it is urgent, indicate this in your email. This indicates that you respect their time.
I’ve sprung a question on my advisor (or a staff member or administrator) without providing them context.	Send questions or problems in writing to your advisor before meeting with them. This gives them time to think about the issue and prepare an informed answer.
I’ve emailed with a question before looking for the answer myself or asking my colleagues first.	This one seems easy, but we all have that impulse to write before doing a little legwork ourselves. Think about how this is interpreted by the other person, especially if they are really busy.
I’ve emailed impulsively with a number of separate questions and issues rather than queuing them up.	Again, this one seems easy, but the reality is we sometimes don’t know when we will have multiple questions in a short time span. One strategy to reduce multiple e-mails is to only send one email per day (that is, of course, if it is not a time-sensitive issue).
I haven’t been the best at communicating my progress or lack of progress on a certain task.	Send status updates. It’s hard to know when updates are arriving too little or too often, but some communication is better than none, even if you’ve made little to no progress. Again think of it from your advisor’s perspective. If they don’t hear from you, they have no idea where you’re at in the process. This is also something to discuss with them to assess how they prefer you to communicate.
I’ve outwardly acted frustrated and annoyed with my advisor or other stakeholders.	Sometimes it may be warranted to convey your feelings to your advisor or other stakeholders; however, being assertive and being aggressive are two different things. While it is normal to feel annoyed and frustrated, behaving as though you are annoyed could be detrimental to the advisor/advisee relationship. Situations where you are annoyed and frustrated might provide an opportunity to practice “perspective taking.” Who knows, you might be surprised to find that by taking the other person’s perspective, you may come to understand the other person better and feel better about the situation as a whole. You might also choose to seek out other outlets to express your frustration, such as reaching out to your support system.

Examples

Consider this scenario of a negative interaction:

Professor Zhang is concerned because he has not heard back from his advisee, Kristen, regarding progress on a conference proposal they are submitting together. Due to an impending deadline at the end of the week, he reaches out to Kristen to offer help.

Kristen responds two days later that she still does not understand how to interpret the results and will need Professor Zhang’s help to complete them. Professor Zhang offers to run the analyses and write up this final section prior to the submission deadline, with the idea that they will discuss the process in a future meeting so Kristen can learn.

Kristen responds to Professor Zhang’s email saying that she agrees to this plan, but she waits until the next morning to send the most recent dataset to him. This results in Professor Zhang working late into the evening to meet the deadline.

When Kristen and Professor Zhang meet to discuss the analyses, Professor Zhang expresses his frustration with Kristen’s lack of communication. He asks her to be more mindful about asking for help and sending files when she is struggling with time-sensitive work.

From Professor Zhang’s perspective, Kristen acts annoyed and defensive and does not see the impact of her behavior. Professor Zhang sees this as a turning point in their relationship, However, had Kristen thanked Professor Zhang for his help and apologized for the time crunch, he says he would have overlooked the situation altogether.

Of course, several factors complicate this scenario. For one, women generally have an easier time expressing and benefiting from gratitude than men.

Also, there are ethical implications to consider when an advisee is a woman working with an advisor who is a man. Women are often socialized to be nurturing toward and submissive to men, while men are socialized to be dominant, overprotective, and paternalistic toward women.

This socialization means there is an inherent gendered power differential within the relationship. In this circumstance, the attitude and approach of the advisee toward the advisor may have had a lasting impact on the future of the relationship.

Remember that advisors and administrators have a whole host of professional and personal demands on them. A simple thank you, some perspective taking and/or outward display of respect might go a long way. After all, this is likely what you want in return.

Self-test

Thinking back on Kristen’s story, it is clear that Kristen seems to have misunderstood the impact she is having on the people she works with. Which of the following could she have done differently?

A. Apologize to Professor Zhang for the time crunch.
B. Thank Professor Zhang for his help with the analyses.
C. Ignore Professor Zhang’s email and cause them to both miss the deadline.
D. A & B

CareerWISE Tips

Show appreciation and respect to your advisor and other stakeholders when it is warranted.
When approaching potentially sticky situations, use the skills you learned in Consider Other Perspectives to try and understand your advisor’s or other stakeholders’ motives. Ideally, this will help you realize they’re human too, and it may help your approach.
Try to connect with your advisor and other stakeholders on a human level; it will likely strengthen your professional relationships.
Try to be respectful of your advisor’s and other stakeholders' time and commitments. After all, you want the same thing in return.

CareerWISE Points

A relationship characterized by reciprocity and mutual respect is the ideal situation in which scholars grow and learn. Showing gratitude and respect may not only strengthen your relationship with your advisor and other stakeholders, but it may also enhance your own well-being and happiness. Of course, this only works if it is genuine.

Small gestures sometimes go a long way. Sending a “thank you” card or making some extra effort may be recognized as a sign of respect.

References and Readings

Adler, M. G., & Fagley, N. S. (2005). Appreciation: Individual differences in finding value and meaning as a unique predictor of subjective well-being. Journal of Personality, 73(1), 79-114. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-6494.2004.00305.x 

Belkin, L. Y., & Dejun T. K. (2018). Implications of advice rejection in repeated exchanges: Advisor responses and advisee gratitude expression as a buffer. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 78, 181-194. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2018.03.012.

Howells, K., Stafford, K., Guijt, R., & Breadmore, M. (2017). The role of gratitude in enhancing the relationship between doctoral research students and their supervisors. Teaching in Higher Education, 22(6), 621-538. http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/13562517.2016.1273212 

Kashdan, T. B., Mishra, A., Breen, W. E., & Froh, J. J. (2009). Gender differences in gratitude: Examining appraisals, narratives, the willingness to express emotions, and changes in psychological needs. Journal of Personality, 77(3), 691-730. https://dx.doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-6494.2009.00562.x

Lyubomirsky, S., & Layous, K. (2013). How do simple positive activities increase well-being? Current Directions in Psychological Science, 22(57), 57-62. https://doi.org/10.1177/0963721412469809 

Shore, W. J., Toyokawa, T., & Anderson, D. (2008). Context-specific effects on reciprocity in mentoring relationships: Ethical implications. Mentorship & Tutoring: Partnership in Learning, 16(1), 17-29. https://doi-org.ezproxy1.lib.asu.edu/10.1080/13611260701800926

Unsworth, K. L., Turner, N., Williams, H. M., & Piccin‐Houle, S. (2010). Giving thanks: The relational context of gratitude in postgraduate supervision. Studies in Higher Education, 35(8), 871-888. https://doi.org/10.1080/03075070903348396 