Communicate More Effectively
Understand Communication Elements: The Relationship in Communication
- Learn to recognize the role of the relationship in communication.
- Learn to understand how the quality of the relationship shapes communication
- Learn to understand the importance of being interpersonally flexible.
- Learn to understand the importance of attending to power differences in relationships.
“Focus on the relationship, and persuasion may follow.”
― Tania Israel, Counseling Psychologist
Communication between two or more people is interpersonal by nature and involves the “relationship” between the communicators as much as it does the “content” and the “context.” Much of the literature on relationships in graduate school focuses on the compatibility between a mentor and a mentee and between students and their advisors.
If you’re like most people, you find that you relate to some types of people better than others. As a graduate student, this becomes a particularly salient issue when you feel like you’re having difficulty connecting with someone who plays an important role in helping you progress through your program (for example, your advisor). In fact, succeeding in graduate school requires individuals to get along and communicate well with many different kinds of people such as colleagues, professors, advisors, committees, and external organizations from whom you need funding, training, or other support. Interacting with peers and staff is also a key element in smooth sailing through your graduate program.
In managing relationships with the array of individuals in your graduate program, it is natural that you will prefer interacting with some more than others. However, regardless of your preference for certain personalities and styles, it is necessary to at least maintain professional relationships with these people and know how to use the relationship dynamics between you for your benefit in order to achieve your goals. Having a better relationship with these and other individuals will likely facilitate more open and productive communication and help curb and address defensiveness, intimidation, dismissiveness, and passivity.
The quality of relationships is a critical element in understanding the process of communication. If you have something important to communicate, the level of comfort you have with someone will contribute to how you approach and execute an interaction.
Consider the following example:
You have a sensitive gynecological issue you’ve been worried about. You’ve been afraid to go to a medical specialist but finally got an appointment for a work-up. The problem is that the appointment will require travel out of town for two days and coincides with the last days to do your part for your advisor’s grant submission.
Take a moment to think about whether and how you would discuss the issue with:
- Your best friend
- A peer in the program
- Your advisor
- One of your mentors
- A parent
Chances are that the nature of your conversation will be very different in each instance based on the quality of the relationship with each person. The degree of mutual trust, comfort, and empathy will be some of the factors in play.
Psychologist and relational-cultural theorist Judith Jordan (2010) describes relational quality in terms of interpersonal connection. Connection is characterized by mutuality, engagement, authenticity, and empowerment as follows:
- Engagement refers to mutual involvement, commitment and attunement to the relationship.
- Authenticity refers to self-understanding and feeling free to be open and genuine in the relationship.
- Empowerment refers to the experience of feeling encouraged, emotionally supported, energized, and personally strengthened by the relationship.
In contrast, experiencing disconnection often involves disappointment, a feeling of isolation, a sense of being misunderstood, and sometimes the impression of being stuck or even in danger. Society’s stratification by gender, race, and sexual orientation contribute to further marginalization and disconnection (Walker, 2004).
Reflection: Going back to whether, how, and with whom to share the dilemma of your medical issue and timing, how could you use the concepts of relational-cultural theory to first understand your comfort level in the relationship?
Another way to understand communication in the context of relationships is to examine interpersonal styles. The relationship includes each person’s interpersonal style and preferences, the role that each person plays, and power differentials. Interpersonal communication styles can be general or situation-specific. The match or mismatch of interpersonal communication styles of those involved can have profound effects on how well two people communicate.
The notion of interpersonal style is based on a framework of similarity and dissimilarity in the ways in which two different people may interact in a given situation. In this model, interactions are considered complementary when there is a fit in the form and intent of the communication between the message sender and the recipient’s response. The module on Interpersonal Communication Styles provides a full description of this theoretical paradigm.
Your interpersonal communication style can enhance communication when it complements the person with whom you’re trying to communicate. In those situations when you are having trouble connecting with others, it may be that you have mismatched interpersonal styles. This can often be easy to recognize at the extremes (e.g., two people with dominant interpersonal styles competing for control of a situation), but more difficult to notice when differences are more subtle (e.g., two people with culturally different norms about the physical distance between them when having a conversation)
Self-test
The relationship component of communication is best dealt with by:
- A. accepting that I cannot change another’s communication style.
- B. changing my interpersonal style.
- C. telling the other person to match my interpersonal style.
- D. making deliberate choices about how I relate to others.
It is important to understand power differentials in relationships and how they affect interpersonal communication. Power differences are defined by the characteristics of the individuals or the situation that give one person a real or perceived sense of authority or control over the other. The differences in power between two people often limit the quality of the relationship as it pertains to communication.
There are different types of power in relationships. Legitimate power is power that is bestowed on an individual by their organization--people with titles, leadership and administrative positions are part of this group. For example, your advisor holds legitimate power in your relationship, since by design they have faculty responsibilities including evaluative authority. You may be more likely to deliberately complement your advisor’s interpersonal style since they have actual authority in the relationship.
Expert power describes the individual who is perceived as having elevated knowledge, training, and experience. If you are interacting with a renowned scholar, you will be less likely to challenge them on a particular area of their expertise. A person, such as your mentor, has referent power when they have earned your respect, admiration, and trust. That likely allows you to be more open in your communication and relationship.
There are many interpersonal situations where the other person does not have legitimate, expert, or referent power but acts as if or is assumed to have power. For example, in too many instances, people assume that a man is in charge, simply by virtue of his gender, even though the woman has a superior title or greater expertise. Gender stereotypes and bias contribute to the kinds of situations where women may feel put down or silenced without realizing that there is a hidden power struggle. In situations where power should be shared equally such as lab groups or teams, adopting a more assertive style may be a choice that benefits you.
Power typically refers to the influence of some over others: “Power Over...” As the feminist leader and author Gloria Feldt (2010) teaches women, a healthy and more empowering approach is to assert your “Power To...” Whatever the issue is, you can exercise your rights and skills--and power--to reach your goals.
It may seem unusual but it is helpful to consider each instance of an interpersonal exchange as the opportunity to attain the outcome you set, particularly if you anticipate that the communication will be difficult. Remember to:
- Consider your comfort level in the relationship
- Identify the power dynamics within the relationship
- Identify the other’s interpersonal style
- Decide whether to use or adapt your usual communication style
- Use the communication skills that are best suited to reach the outcome you set.
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