• Learn to distinguish between assertive and other types of communication
• Learn to avoid common problems associated with ineffective communication styles.
• Learn to use assertive techniques in your interactions with others.
• Learn to set appropriate boundaries and limits.
• Learn to understand and navigate situations in which gender can be a barrier to assertiveness.

“Equality in human relationships, enabling us to act in our own best interests, to stand up for ourselves without undue anxiety, to express honest feelings (choices, needs or opinions) comfortably, to exercise personal rights (and setting limits to the behavior of others) without denying the rights of others,” nor hurting, intimidating, manipulating, or controlling them -- Alberti & Emmons, 2017

What a week! My advisor asked me to stay after hours three different times to do various tasks on our project. And then Miguel asked me to review his paper; and I did, even though my paper is also due on Friday. And why am I the only one who ever fills the copier with paper—Peter said it was broken and had me “fix” it by putting in a new ream. Ugh!

This might be an example of a difficult week or reflective of a rough spot into which this student has fallen. She can’t seem to say “no”. You may have found yourself in similar situations. When people encounter these kinds of difficult or uncomfortable moments, and/or they notice negative patterns affecting their work, they tend to react in one of the following ways.

1. Do nothing (avoid the issue)
2. Play the victim (blame someone else)
3. Get their way no matter what (act aggressively)
4. Be sensitive to others but stand up for themselves (act assertively)

While they can choose to do any of the above, an assertive response (option 4) will likely produce the most positive outcomes. Assertiveness is a style of communication that focuses on advocating for yourself. Different from aggression, being assertive means standing up for and communicating what you want in a clear fashion, while respecting your rights and feelings along with the rights and feelings of others. People who act assertively:

1. Are active in their environment and make things happen
2. Express their thoughts, feelings and needs
3. Communicate with others in an honest and direct way
4. Show self-respect by acknowledging their shortcomings but not beating themselves up

Acting assertively will empower you in your interactions, both personally and professionally. It can lower your stress and enhance your coping strategies. In fact, women who are more assertive generally feel they have more control over important tasks and are more able to take on challenges. This module will help you recognize assertiveness, and learn some approaches for being assertive in your own interactions with others.

Assertiveness Self-Check

To get an idea of your level of assertiveness, ask yourself the following questions:

• Do you feel imposed upon/taken advantage of, or ignored in your exchanges with colleagues?
• Are you unable to speak your mind and ask for what you want?
• Do you find it difficult to stand up for yourself in a discussion?
• Are you inordinately grateful when someone seeks your opinion and takes it into account?

If you answer ‘yes’ to most of these questions, you may need to consider becoming more assertive. While it can feel more “natural” to certain people, being assertive takes practice like any other skill. If you find that it is difficult for you to be assertive, keep in mind that anyone can learn these skills and behaviors—they’re not inherent to any one personality or type of individual.

NOT asserting yourself in the academic environment brings drawbacks. By not being assertive, you may miss out on funding or fellowships, or even being considered for such opportunities. By not speaking out when you are treated unfairly, you can implicitly condone the status quo or even reinforce biased stereotypes. Being non-assertive in the classroom can also affect how your professors view your work. In fact, studies have shown that professors sometimes feel like they have to “spoon feed” materials to students if students don’t take an active role in their work. The “bottom line” is that if you are communicating openly, being clear about your needs, expressing your concerns, and taking initiative—all in a timely manner—you will be more successful in your academic and professional endeavors.

Self-test

Since having the baby, I’ve been so busy and it’s taking me more time to get my assignments completed than it did before. Again, I’m going to need an extension on a paper because my baby was sick all week. I should…

Assertiveness is an interpersonal communication technique that we can employ when we need to obtain a particular goal or objective. When we are assertive, we are able to express ourselves in a way that doesn’t violate the rights or needs of others, while advocating for our own wants and needs. Assertive communication is different from aggressive or passive communication. Aggressive communication violates the rights of others in favor of oneself, while passive communication disregards one’s own rights in favor of others.

By becoming aware of the characteristics of these styles, you can begin to see the things you need and want to change in order to become more assertive. Table 1 shows different aspects of these approaches, and examples of what they might look like.

Table 1: Passive, Assertive & Aggressive Approaches to Communication

Assertive expressions and how they are perceived are often a function of gender. Women are significantly less likely than men to use assertive speech in mixed-gender interactions (Leaper & Ayres, 2007). Women are also far less likely than men to initiate negotiations, especially in situations where the appropriateness of negotiation is unclear (Kugler et al., 2018). Not acting assertively in these situations can lead to significant consequences—less pay, fewer opportunities, or even getting passed over for awards, honors, or promotions [see Negotiating for more].

Lower levels of assertiveness in women can be tied to socialization. Society expects women to be passive, non-confrontational, interdependent, accommodating, and nurturing. Remember that these are just expectations—they are not how it has to be. However, because expressing yourself assertively as a woman can go against some of these societal expectations, it is important to be prepared for others’ reactions, so that you can deal with them effectively.

In most cultures, characteristics of assertiveness and leadership are associated with men and masculinity, while women are thought to be more communal, unselfish, and care-taking (Rudman & Glick, 2001) . This mismatch between qualities attributed to women and qualities necessary for assertiveness and leadership subjects women to a double standard. Women from different cultural backgrounds may feel even more uncomfortable by these kinds of norms.

Conversely, women in leadership positions can be thought of as too aggressive or not aggressive enough, and what appears to be assertive in men often looks confrontational, or self-promoting in women. A penalty for women whose communication is perceived as too dominating is being disliked (Rudman et al., 2012; Tiedens, 2016). When women who are performing traditionally male roles are seen as doing something that conforms to feminine stereotypes, they are judged as too soft, too emotional, and too unassertive. This double standard may make it difficult to stand up for yourself, or discourage you from acting assertively altogether. However, if you choose not to assert yourself, you can be viewed as passive, or even worse—that you agree with or accept whatever situation may be troubling you!

Women are more likely than men to use tentative language, i.e., expressions of uncertainty, qualifiers, hedges, tag questions, and intensifiers (Lakoff, 1973; Leaper & Robnett, 2011).   Modifying wording to be more consistent with gendered expectations is so common that many women are not fully aware of doing so.  Using these language forms can also be interpreted as a demonstration of interpersonal sensibility.  It is important to recognize, however, that these types of expression are described by scholars as “powerless language”, that can by extension be problematic in environments where more masculine forms of communication prevail.

Table 2: Exercises

While gender presents some unique challenges to being assertive, you can overcome these challenges by maintaining awareness, practicing your skill set, and being consistent in your assertions. Here are a few suggestions for women who are navigating being assertive in a traditionally male-dominated environment [see Expressing Yourself for more]:

1. Don’t rush in. Use assertion selectively and thoughtfully. Ease in, but don’t let yourself be taken advantage of—it’s not necessary to be assertive all the time, but it is important to establish that precedent.
2. Watch your thoughts. To stay assertive, get into the mindset of thinking assertively. Learn to recognize your negative self-statements, and replace them with affirmations and confident language.
3. Project a positive image. Visualize how you would like to be—form a mental image of an assertive you, then make that image as real as possible.
4. Be confident but sensitive in the way you express yourself. Watch out for verbal and nonverbal expressions that convey lack of confidence [see Expressing Yourself]. Use positive body language and Active Listening skills to help put others at ease.
5. Recognize communication styles in others, and respond appropriately. If you are dealing with a passive person, then rather than let them be silent, encourage them to contribute. When dealing with an aggressive communicator, prevent the situation from getting out of hand by adopting one of the tactics above, like “Let me think about it first,” giving you time to gather your thoughts, and affording them time to calm down.

As you are preparing to be more assertive with others, keep the following in mind:

1. Remember that assertiveness is a skill set that takes practice. It may be necessary to practice the techniques and guidelines in some neutral situations in which you won’t be too emotionally charged. As you gain proficiency, you can start applying them in more difficult situations.
2. Watch your nonverbals (see Expressing Yourself). It is possible to use assertive techniques in an aggressive or passive way if you are not careful with your nonverbal communication. Remember to keep your voice calm, maintain eye contact, and keep a relaxed and confident body posture.
3. Recognize that choosing to be assertive in a situation is a strategy rather than a style (Pfafman & McEwan, 2014).  Similarly, choosing not to be assertive in a situation can be a deliberate strategy that helps you meet your objectives in a particular context.  

“I” messages are an effective way to express your standpoints in difficult situations. “I” statements help you take responsibility for your part of the issue—your feelings and your perception of the problem and how it affects you—while effectively addressing the behavior of the other person in the situation. Using “I” creates a dialogue where you are stating your own feelings and thoughts and can’t be so easily dismissed or refuted.

When using “I” messages, keep the focus on yourself and how you feel, given the other person’s behavior. If you initially frame the concern with pronouns and phrases like “you”—“you really frustrate me when you forget our deadlines and make our projects late,” you’re suggesting the other person is to blame, which may put them on the defensive. A more productive way of asserting your feelings might be to say, “I feel frustrated when our projects get turned in late. I want to work together better to meet our deadlines because I feel like I’m doing what I can to get them in on time.” Using “us” and “we” statements helps propose arrangements that can satisfy both parties without damaging the relationship.

See how “I messages” are used in the table below, which outlines six techniques for acting assertively.

Table 3: Assertion Techniques

Remember, trying out new styles of communication can demonstrate your adaptability and flexibility, but be aware that others may be unsure about how to respond to you at first. Others may be surprised initially and you may be surprised by how others respond to you (See Receiving and Responding to Feedback). Be confident about your self-experimentation and be prepared to troubleshoot afterwards.

When you choose to assert yourself, be sure you know the reason(s) behind your decision. If you are clear about your reasons, you will be less likely to get angry or emotional. Make sure your priority when asserting yourself is to express your personal limits, clarify something important, and/or create positive change, because our assertiveness affects our outcomes.

An important part of expressing your limits is “calling out” others when they engage in a behavior that you find to be inappropriate or offensive.  How many times has one of your labmates offended female colleagues, without necessarily recognizing it? Calling out the person in this situation is important, but it may not be easy. Research has shown that when women experience sexism, they are more likely to confront the person who committed the inappropriate behavior when they know that doing so will make a difference, and when they also know that the risks of doing so are low. This may describe how you have felt when similar situations have happened to you. However, keep in mind that calling out the other person does you both a favor. You may not be able to change their attitude or behaviors permanently, but you can place limits and expectations on your shared space, and maybe spare your colleague a few dirty looks from others.  For more on this topic, see the Recognizing Sexism and Microaggressions modules.

Being assertive also entails standing up for yourself when necessary. Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you think your labmates, class, or group are taking advantage of you? If you do not act assertively in these situations, you run the risk of communicating to others that you are okay with what’s going on, or that you even agree! Remember: others may not know that something is a problem for you or bothers you unless you tell them.

In some cases, it’s up to you to express what is and is not acceptable to you. Table 4 illustrates some examples of how you can use assertiveness to do so, and the effect it has on you and others.

Table 4: Applying Assertiveness to Establish Boundaries

Self-test

Many students come late to the class for which you are a teaching assistant. The number of students who arrive after class starts varies from day to day, but it bothers you each time it happens. What would you do?

One of the most difficult challenges people face in becoming more assertive is learning to say “no.” However, saying “no” is one of the most effective and clear ways to set a limit on what you will or will not do, as well as on what behaviors and terms you find unacceptable. Often people don’t know their own limits—so they don’t know when to say “no.” Moreover, many people have difficulty saying “no” because they are afraid that doing so will lead to adverse consequences or missed opportunities. They may even feel like they can or should say “yes” to everything. If you fail to establish limits by saying “no” when appropriate, you may end up with too much on your plate—leaving you to feel over-extended, under-appreciated, or unfairly treated.

When to say “no”

Knowing when to say no can be a difficult task, but it is essential. One way to determine whether it is okay to say no is to ask yourself the following questions:

1. Does it benefit my interests to say no?

• Example: Your labmates want you to help write an article near the end of the semester, but you are concerned about the amount of time it will take and how it will affect your schoolwork.
• Possible Answer: If I say no to writing this article, then I’ll have more time to spend on my schoolwork.

2. Does my saying no negatively affect the well-being of someone else?

• Example: Your advisor wants you to go to a conference to help her present over the break, but you have other long-standing plans.
• Possible Answer: By not going to this conference, my advisor will have to present alone. But she’ll be okay, and will probably ask another student to help.

3. Do I have the power to say no?

• Example: You have been approved to take a leave of absence next semester, but one of your professors is pushing heavily for you to work on his grant.
• Possible Answer: I have chosen to take a leave of absence next semester so I’ll have to tell Dr. Avedes that I won’t be able to work on his grant.

4. Do I have the right to say no?

• Example: Your dissertation proposal is taking up too much time for you to finish some writing projects.
• Possible Answer: I can’t graduate without finishing my dissertation, so just because writing my proposal is taking up too much of my time I can’t really say I just don’t want to do it.

How to say “no”

Learning how to say no firmly yet gracefully is an essential skill. The first thing to do is to avoid saying “yes” on the spot.  It always helps to reflect first, especially when you feel uncomfortable as soon as the request is made.  The following tables offer guidelines on how to say “no” both to things people say or do (behaviors) and requests or scenarios (situations) that go beyond your limits of what is acceptable:

Table 5: How to say "no" to BEHAVIORS

Table 6: How to say "no" to SITUATIONS

Remember that it is within your right to be able to say no, and that doing so is perfectly reasonable. Don’t feel like you have to explain yourself too much—you are entitled to say no, especially if you have thought about why you are saying it. Being simple and concise can convey confidence; giving a lengthy, nervous explanation of why you just said no can lead to further confusion.

Again, remember that assertiveness is a skill set that takes practice. The following are 10 guidelines to follow as you use assertiveness in your interactions with others.

1. Know what you will and will not put up with. You don’t want to be overly vigilant or extremely passive. There’s a comfortable and appropriate middle ground, one that only you can define for yourself. You also have the right to say “no” and not feel like a terrible person.
2. Just say NO. Somehow “no” has become a foul word, a reflection of inability, or an indication that you’re not committed. Change how you think about “no.” Refer to the prior section on “how to say no” for tips on handling the situation tactfully. Your saying “no” and letting them know where you stand also helps other people work for the collective good more effectively.
3. Focus on RIGHT NOW. Regardless of your personal style, culture, or upbringing, it’s important to learn some skills and make appropriate adjustments that suit how things are for you NOW. Don’t let yourself be distracted by ‘forever,’ or even by ‘later’ when you go home to your roommate or companion—instead focus on the academic environment where you find yourself at this moment. It’s like a skill set you may have for the lab: you must clean and sterilize your equipment—that’s common practice for experiments. However, you wouldn’t have the same standards for your dishes at home. The same goes for your attitude and awareness in the academic environment. You may have to do things that you may ordinarily find uncomfortable, but they work in this context.  
4. Difficult, yes, impossible, no. Don’t make a bad situation worse. Even though you may face difficult situations all the time, focusing on the negative aspects of these situations can make them seem much more difficult than they really are. There is a big distinction between an untenable situation and an issue that is merely uncomfortable or irritating.
5. A little good humor goes a long way. Practice your responses. Often humor or poignant one-liners can drive home a point without making it a drawn-out discussion or serious issue. Perhaps you’ve had a deer-in-the-headlights reaction when a colleague made a rude comment. After being silent, you may have reviewed the situation in your head, wishing you had done something differently. Since inappropriate comments are unfortunately quite prevalent in certain environments, you may have another (if not many) opportunities to address these types of behaviors.
6. What will happen if…? Remember not to make assumptions. An important question to ask yourself is “What will happen if I ask?” or “What will happen if we talk about this situation?” Will the world come to an end? Probably not. Even if you say the wrong thing, or don’t get the result you were hoping for, you can always do something different next time.
7. Careful listening. When discussing difficult issues, remember to listen. Listening is an active process, where you are paying attention and considering what the other person is saying [see Active Listening]. While you may be tempted to defend yourself or make an important clarification; there will be a time when you can do that. If you are not listening, you may be reading things into a situation that are not really intended.
8. Being active. You don’t have to assert yourself only because an uncomfortable situation has arisen. Learning to define your needs is a good step towards meeting your personal and professional goals. You can use your assertiveness skills to take initiative in your workplace by expressing your ability to take on leadership responsibilities. You can do the same in the school environment by sharing your thoughts on the material/information being discussed.
9. The Chinese Bamboo Tree. After careful preparation of the soil, this plant grows only underground for its first four years of life. Then in its fifth year, it can grow up to eighty feet! This is a metaphor for the importance of gaining strength and empowerment from the inside out. The underground lifespan of the bamboo tree is an example of how you may not see immediate results to your planning, preparation, and work. However, you are indeed growing and gaining strength. At the right time with the right skills and effort, things will change.
10. It’s all about you. Understand and take responsibility for the fact that you, and only you, create your perspectives and feelings. These perspectives and feelings create your reality. This is a lot of responsibility but also gives you a great deal of control. When people feel powerless or think that a situation is outside of their control, it allows them to put the blame or accountability elsewhere. Keep things in perspective and know that regardless of the other person’s response, you’ve done your best to address the situation.

As a woman in a science, technology, engineering, or math field, you are outnumbered.  Being in the minority means that there will be inequities that affect you. However, it won’t always be this way, and by being assertive now, you can empower yourself but also other women in your field. Asserting yourself as a professional woman can help eradicate unhelpful gender stereotypes and pave the way for others to come.

• Try journaling the situations in which you find it difficult to be assertive—write down the people who were there, your thoughts and behaviors, and other things that may have been obstacles. You’ll be more aware next time and you’ll be able to track your progress.
• If you struggle with being assertive, remember that as you become more assertive it will be a change in your interpersonal style to which others may not be accustomed. They may meet it with resistance at first. Stay with it!
• When others are being persistent in their requests and you feel it a violation of your rights to comply, stay calm and let yourself be a “broken record”—remain firm in your assertions and they’ll eventually get it.

Alberti, R., & Emmons, M. (2017). Your perfect right: Assertiveness and equality in your life and relationships (10th ed.). CA: Impact.

Ames, D., Lee, A., & Wazlawek, A. (2017). Interpersonal assertiveness: Inside the balancing act. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 11(6), e12317–n/a. https://doi.org/10.1111/spc3.12317

Good, J. J., Moss-Racusin, C. A., & Sanchez, D. T. (2012). When do we confront? Perceptions of costs and benefits predict confronting discrimination on behalf of the self and others. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 36(2), 210-226. https://doi.org/10.1177/0361684312440958

Kugler, K. G., Reif, J. A. M., Kaschner, T., & Brodbeck, F. C. (2018). Gender differences in the initiation of negotiations: A meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 144(2), 198–222. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000135

Leaper, C, & Ayres, M. M. (2007). A meta-analytic review of gender variations in adults’ language use: Talkativeness, affiliative speech, and assertive speech. Personality and Social Psychology Review. 11(4), 328-363. https://doi.org/10.1177/1088868307302221

Leaper C & Robnett R. D. (2011). Women are more likely than men to use tentative language, aren’t they? A meta-analysis testing for gender differences and moderators. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 35(1), 129-142. https://doi.org/10.1177/0361684310392728

Pfafman, T. M. , & McEwan, B. (2014). Polite women at work: Negotiating professional identity through strategic assertiveness. Women's Studies in Communication, 37(2), 202–219. https://doi.org/10.1080/07491409.2014.911231

Rudman, L. A., & Glick, P. (2001). Prescriptive gender stereotypes and backlash toward agentic women. Journal of Social Issues, 57(4), 743–762. https://doi.org/10.1111/0022-4537.00239

Rudman, L. A., Moss-Racusin, C. A., Glick, P., & Phelan, J. E. (2012). Reactions to vanguards: Advances in backlash theory. In Advances in experimental social psychology (Vol. 45, pp. 167-227). Academic Press.  https://doi.org/10.1111/0022-4537.00239

Ury, W. (2007). The power of a positive no: How to say no and still get to a yes. New York, NY: Bantam Dell.

Williams, M. J. , & Tiedens, L. A. (2016). The subtle suspension of backlash: A meta-analysis of penalties for women's implicit and explicit dominance behavior. Psychological Bulletin, 142(2), 165–197. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000039

The Good, the Bad, the Only

The pros and cons of being the only woman in a department and the importance of setting boundaries and knowing your own limitations.

On Speaking Up: A Conference Experience

Confronting a male colleague with contradictory findings at a conference.

I Have Not Figured Out How to Say "No"

Emphasizes the challenge with saying no, but the importance of learning to do so.

Persuading an Advisor

Suggestions for defining research.

Advisor Issues

How a positive advisor challenged his students to think for themselves.

Stubbornness and Tenacity

Highlights the obstacles faced when trying to have research reviewed by the advisor and emphasizes the steps necessary to make adequate progress in the program.

Key Elements in Good Advising

The importance of being open and honest with your advisor.

Dealing with Assumptions and Accusations (Short Version)

Being accused of cheating and regrets about not being more assertive.